I guess you’d rather be a martyr tonight

HI Honey,

Just got off the treadmill and I hope you’ll be proud of me: I did just over 60 minutes at maximum incline for a total of 700 calories. Now, I’m gonna be honest with you, I had tiramisu for breakfast so, I’m going to consider that a net benefit of +500 calories in my favor.

I have to keep doing this every day because it makes me feel so good. I can’t let a little gap when life happens distract me or make me forget this. You could help me with this by sending me an sms with something along the lines of, “tie your hair up in long white bow, meet in the fields behind the dynamo, you hear their voices tell you not to go….” and then I’ll just jump back on that treadmill again before looking for my long white bow.

I had my ipad on “music” just going in alphabetical order and we started off with “America” by Simon and Garfunkle. I was lip syncing along. “Kathy,. I’m lost” I said, though I knew she was sleeping, “I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why”. After that we had “American baby” by Dave Matthews and followed by “An innocent man” and  Bruce, I know this is the second time Billy Joel has consoled me in your place but those words he was singing seemed to be like a conversation between healthy me and girl going to therapy me. Healthy me trying to convince the one going through all this to come out and deal with it. “I know you only hurt yourself out of spite. I guess you’d rather be a martyr tonight. That’s your decision, but I’m not below any body I know if there’s a chance of resurrecting a love. I’m not above going back to the start to find out where the heartache began”.

But you see, I am Bruce. I have had one heck of a bad three days post therapy while my mind has been processing what I’ve been repressing. Why is it necessary to find out where it began? Who is responsabile?  Do you think this information is going to help? I have terrible things in my head that I can’t write to you. I can’t say them. I just turn up the music and keep going but I’m afraid that it will come out, if not with you then on Jan 22 at my next session and that sx!t scares me.

I know you don’t want to hear what I say
I know you’re gonna keep turning away
But I’ve been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I’m not above going through it again
I’m not above being cool for a while
If you’re cruel to me I’ll understand

Thanks Billyhttps://www.youtube.com/embed/LN9AQTCnYyM” target=”_blank”>innocent man


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