me and my shadow

Dear Bruce,

It’s gotten so bad that the elderly Italian priest who was confessing me yesterday asked me if I had any friends. This shadow of mine, depression, is always with me. “Isn’t God enough for you?” he asked me. I guess not, I told him. I know he’s there. I believe in him. But I know “his will be done” is something I can’t comprehend and this world is so disgusting. Children die of cancer. People can’t pay for food. Bullies laugh at kids. I do believe in God but I don’t know why we should beg him to help us because it gives us the illusion that he will and we know, heartbreak after heartbreak that he will not. I was thinking about a line from a song you wrote about a person nudging a dead dog on the side of the road and how some people just won’t accept what’s in front of them.

I prayed on my knees last night with salty tears flowing. I dreamed of children being chased by sharks and bears. I live in fear of something happening to my child. I have drank at night to just help me get through it and go to bed. I’ve gained weight between that and not exercising because I work 6 days a week and haven’t had time for anything. My husband  is borderline diabetic, has a hernia he needs to be operated and suffers from anxiety. He got a 200 euro speeding ticket on the way to a job interview which he did not get and crashed the car into the gate a few days ago and now the door on the car needs to be replaced. I have the weight of my world on my back and I hate myself.  I wish your river concert would have come to Florence and didn’t cost 150 a ticket. I bet that would have been really nice. I need to lose a big weight I’m carrying with me Bruce and it’s not just physical. I don’t know how to free myself of this shadow:it’s so heavy.

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